Handling Holland.. (and now aidan too!)

(NOTE: i am not usually like this, those who knows me well will testify)

Its true what people say, SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSPOKEN.

I’ve been doing more than my normal thinking lately, and yes, it can be very damaging to one coz this is the time when i am most vulnerable. thoughts will sway from one branch to another. i am feeling somewhat insecure lately, due to the fact that i am gaining more weight, i am getting heavier, i look dreadful, backaches and difficulty in getting up and about, not much space to move around, i feel tired even without doing anything, and the list goes on and on…. and thus i feel dreadful, helpless its getting warmer as well, and maybe the heat’s getting to me?

I cant walk the same distance as before, i cant walk the same pace as before, i get out of bed with a slight difficulty, i cant run up the stairs anymore, i cant carry heavy groceries, i cant wear my skirts and trousers the same way as before (now i have to sit on the bed first), and some, i cant even fit! i cant tie my shoelaces, i cant bend down, i have to squat down, its all GETTING TO ME!

I feel that i’m not being an enough of a wife to my husband. just not enough. people who know me well will know how much i would do for another person, especially those close to me. how i would put myself last and put them all first. but i dont think i have been doing that. i didnt help with the house hunting, i didnt help with the mortgage, i didnt help with the kitchen planning, i didnt help! little little things are getting to me lately. its just feeling really insecure, its dominating my thoughts! what is a good wife? thoughts then came to mind that i am not a good wife, i dont contribute in terms of earnings, i’m fat and just not contributing enough, he wont see me attractive anymore, tonnes of beautiful cute girls will come into the picture, i cant stop them, i have no power, oh no!!!! what do i do?!?!

Now, my problem is, do i voice it out? do i keep it to myself? most of the time i tend to keep it to myself. i’d think a hundred times before i say something to somebody. but when the insecurity and the frustration REALLY gets to me, then i tend to "share" it. if i keep them to myself, would i then be "living a lie’?

So, ok, i’ve voiced it out, and he tells you, "you’re pregnant"… but it still didnt help!  he tells me i look beautiful almost every other day, it still didnt help! and then i start to dig my own hole, i said "i’m fat and you’ll look at other women". which i shouldnt. coz that would imply that i dont trust him, and besides, ALL men will look at other women, and its ok for them to look at other women! its just a matter of whether they all ‘layan’ them or not. true? i then felt guilty in saying and voicing out my thoughts, maybe i should have just left it in my head? he has been so very supportive throughout, and i shouldnt have voiced it out, its not fair with all the things he has in his mind right now (work, house, mortgage, renovation, PR status, apts to rent in kl, baby coming, ME!) I should have at least helped him a bit by not worrying over small things!

I have a lot of questions regarding my past as well, and lately, my past came back. i know i should say to myself "the hell with it, its all in the past". but when you’re feeling insecure, and down, and heavy, bla bla, you begin to think more and more about it. i was told before, in the past that i wasnt good enough, "kita tak setaraf", i wasnt slim enough, i didnt have a phd, i’m not fair, i’m just fat for him, and the reason why he was with me was because he pittied me, and cant tell me myself. so, after a long time, and here’s an opportunity, do i ask? (not that i seek or search for that opportunity, i didnt, i swear!) do i leave it there? does closure really helps? have i had closure?

I am so good in telling people to be positive, but when it comes to me, i fail! i am ALLOWING it to happen, and i SHOULDNT! come on zaza, stick it in your head, DO NOT ALLOW THOSE NEGATIVE WORDS TO RUN YOU!

I kept hearing my dad’s voice in me, "some things are better left unspoken. we know what we did, we know what they did. God knows what we all did, so leave it!"

But there are some things which you just want to let it out of your chest! So, which one to keep, which one to voice out?!?!?! and to whom do you let it out to in order to get answers?

My dad’s voice then came back into my head, and he would be telling me "maybe the answers are not for you to know, God has given you NOW, persue NOW, explore NOW, live NOW!".

We (girls) sometimes need reassurance. its nice to hear them. it makes us feel somewhat lighter, and hopefully chirpier and better. i’m thankful my husband who shows me all the love, and didnt pressure me at all to do certain things, to have certain things and to behave a certain way. he allows me to be myself, to which i am trully grateful for. i’m thankful too to have my dad’s voices in me, and mum’s of course, and sometimes, my sister’s too (sometimes i think i should have more of her voice in me) but for the past week, the negativity’s winning!! not good, not good!!!

But i am, honestly, for the past one week, at my lowest. fighting to fight it. like mum always say, "fight! fight! fight!" and the only person i talk to is this tiny little human growing in my tummy, who has been kicking me REALLY hard, maybe he’s telling me to kick myself and get on with life! maybe he’s right!

(hint: to those who doesnt know the sex of the baby yet, well, that was a big hint!)

POLO RALPH LAUREN gets to dress the officials of the worlds most prestigious grass court tournament, the WIMBLEDON! Yep! Its true!

RALPH LAUREN won the contract and gets to design and supply the All England Club right through 2010. POLO RALPH LAUREN becomes the first designer in Wimbledon’s 129 year history to create and outfit all on court officials. Not to mention they’ve got the US OPEN under their belts too!

How will they look? Well, it looks very RALPH LAUREN! (refer to pics). no more purple and green, there will be cream skirts for the ladies, navy blue jackets, and light blue shirts. it looks real good, very stylish! they did a good job! the ballboys and girls will get to wear POLO caps, POLO shirts, POLO shorts, POLO socks, everything from head to toe will be POLO! (lucky buggers! but they worked hard for it, months of training!)

I would agree to a change in their outfits, from polyester to POLO! they were somewhat outdated but my question is, why RALPH LAUREN? why not a british designer? Stella McCartney’s quite good with her designs, having design some of ADIDAS ladies apperals. It is afterall an ALL ENGLAND CLUB. they are the leading american brand in fashion, and i’d be perfectly fine with them designing for the US OPEN, but its such a shame not to put the british designers forward.

Why am i being so sentimental? i dunno, i honestly dont know!! i’m not even a brit! lately, i get upset easily, i can cry wathing silly adverts on telly, i get upset when people swear in movies, probably its the hormones! its probably the pregnancy! dont get me wrong, the clothes look great, it brings up the name well, both the designer’s and the tournament’s, but i think its a pity not to back the british designers. its like… Malaysia hosting a world class Sepak Takraw tournament. having such long history to it with all officials and crew Malaysians. and Richard Tyler, an Australian designer, gets to design and dress the all officials! Panggil la Rizalman ke, Pak Abu ke, Benard Chandran ke… kan? I suppose Tennis is a global game, but so is Sepak Takraw! No?

Wimbledon starts next week! sports are conquering the channels lately! no TOP GEAR for a month due to the World Cup, no NEIGHBOURS during lunch time due to the Royal Ascot, thank God they’re still showing DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES!!!

2 more days to the World Cup! Being just 10 mins away from Germany, we get to see both countries get ready for the most awaited event. Almost everything’s orange in Holland. stores are selling all their orange products, from DIY stores selling orange tents to garden shops selling orange garden tables and chairs to the supermarkets! the shop windows are now orange with white and blue baloons, people are wearing orange shirts/tshirts, gardens have turned to a mini football fields, streets with orange flags, pubs up with tents and banners, supermarkets are selling more orange products, orange donuts, orange cakes with mini football on them, orange drinks and ice creams, ‘Samba Sauce’ in bottles dressed in Brazil’s jerseys, ‘Argentine Steak Sauce’ in bottles in Argentina’s jerseys… not to mention the paper cups and plates, and.. orange toilet paper! we’ve got everything, you name it, 2 for the price of 1, the world cup specials… seriously demam!

In Germany, well, they’re slightly modest. we’ve seen cars with flags, we’ve seen kids wearing those high hats with a german flags on them, and that’s about it. no flags on the streets, shop windows are as normal, supermarkets are selling their everyday products with no special offers, everything seems ‘normal’ there! germany tak demam la! maybe we should go and check out the bigger cities… maybe we should pay Thomas a visit in munich!

We were in Paris couple of weeks back, and i can say, France pon tak demam like Holland! We hardly saw any decorations for the world cup, not even a tshirt. we did saw Tour De France’s tshirts at the kiosks, but no world cup’s!

In England, well, depa demam bola memanjang! hahaha. We get BBC 1 and 2 here, so i get to see the England’s preparation, their practise in Buhlertal, their headlines and their fuss over Wayne Rooney’s right foot - whether he’ll get to play. whether Country will prevail over Club. whether the FA will step in. if he gets to play, at what stage of the cup? the knock out rounds? the semis? (if they’re being ambitious). in England, even the sheeps are painted with the red cross of the English Flag!!!!

I’m not so much of a football fan. I dont support any clubs but after being here, i’ve been to or at least passed by most of the major stadiums! so i’m a little bit more aware of their names, the clubs and what’s going on. heck! i only watch football when its the World Cup! my first football match, ever was only last month’s World Cup friendly between Saudi Arabia and Belgium! (my husband works with a Saudi company who sponsored the Saudis here during their World Cup duration, so we got free tickets!) that was my first ever football match, being in a stadium with supporters watching the full match!

So back to the World Cup, i’m no expert, but my bet is, on Brazil of course. their feet are somewhat lighter, and they’ve got the ’samba’ in them. (see, i told you i’m no expert!)

Enjoy the World Cup people!

(** i will add more photos! in a hurry, dutch class in an hour!)

It is almost every tennis player’s dream to play at Roland Garros. but for those who arent that good at all to be playing at the worlds most famous clay court, watching the French Open would still be a dream.

It was most definitely a dream for me to go and witness any of the Grand Slam Tournaments. To those who doesnt know, the grand slam for tennis consist of 4 major tournaments - The Australian Open, The French Open (Roland Garros), Wimbledon and The US Open.

I started playing tennis since i was 6. my parents introduced me to the sport. they were tennis players themselves. dad started playing since his university days and then mum, being mum, insisted she try everything, any sport! she seeked tennis lessons after they got married. they followed all the major matches on telly, thus i was introduced to the tournaments at a very young age. i remembered looking forward to watching the french open and wimbledon every single year. back then was the years of chris evert and martina navralatilova, followed by steffi graf, monica seles and then for a short while, jeniffer capriati was famous, well almost.

I had such fond memories watching the matches with my parents, and more during my years of playing. i had too much memories back in those years.

I didnt had the chance to go watch wimbledon during my student days in the UK. besides, i wouldnt afford to buy the tickets. but i did pass by the main entrance! jadilaaaa…

Last weekend, we had a long weekend. it was some sort of a national holiday in holland and so my wonderful husband brought me to paris! i’ve been to paris, once, before i entered standard 1, so that was 22 years ago. i coudnt remember anything apart from buying a smurf soft toy. and my latest visit, we went to almost all the touristic places, and thank God the weather was just nice!

It was a 4 hours drive from sittard. the distance was something like from JB to rawang. we stayed at a hotel south of paris, and used the METRO (thats what they call the LRT in paris) to go round. it was very convenient, they were reliable and they pretty much cover all of paris. and there was only one flat rate to almost everywhere! unlike the tube in london where there are several zones! i was more impressed with the layout, the planning of the METRO lines, it was even more impressive than the Underground in London. (one thing scarry about the METRO was, the doors closes too fast, when you hear the bleeping sound, please DO NOT try to rush yourselves in, do not even think of getting on it on time, i’d rather wait for the next train to come. the doors only open for a mere 6 seconds!!)

And so we got round using the METRO, we visited almost all the touristic spots, including some of the Da Vinci famous locations from the novel and film, we WALKED from the Musee Du Louvre right till Arc De Triomphe Etoile. the distance was i think about close to 4 miles? 5, if i may exaggerate?! hehe. but being heavy, close to my 6th month, i think it was an achievement!!

But the main highlight was we went to Roland Garros! got up early, got ready, hardy planned the routes and then we drove to Porte D’Auteuil. we parked our car right infront of Parc Des Princes (the home stadium of the PSG - Paris Saint Germain, the famous paris soccer team, and have witness world rugby events. its the 3rd largest french stadium). but when your mind is on the Roland Garros, who cares what stadium we pass by! (i only know of it, the history etc when we walked back to the car!)

We passed vans and trailers of tv/cable stations covering the event. I believe we saw there were hundreds and hundres of Peugeot cars, used for transfering volunteers and players (what do you expect, it is a french car!). We then queued for the tickets, to our rezeki, the queue wasnt that long! we waited for about 20 mins or so (i think we were early). after the security guard scanned our bodies and touched my bump, and said "baby!!" and showed his thumbs up, we were in!! the feeling was just surreal! i was all smiles, i couldnt stop smiling!! we grabbed a sandwich, a muffin and some crisps and we headed off to the courts where they were practising. trust me, the guys look 10 times handsom-er than in telly, the girls’ legs are 10 times gorgeous-er than in telly!

We went to ALL the courts and walked to almost every part of the grounds! almost every corner we turn there’s stalls selling all their products, sponsors’ stalls. kids running with their autograph books, magazines, huge tennis balls with pens seeking for their favourite player’s signature… adults with cameras hoping to catch close glimps of the players. by midday we witness Federer vs. Blake and later Nadal vs. Juan Monaco. Awesome. all i can say is it was magnafico! the shouting, the screaming of the player’s names, the maxican wave, the applause, the sound of their strokes, the linesman’s shouting of "fault, out", the empire’s voice on the scores, and actually hearing he said "igalite" (i’ve heard of this word since i was probably 7!), was UNBELIVABLE!!!!

I had a GREAT time in paris, where the frech has flares, where their system of roundabouts was out of this world (i still cant figure it out how their we should drive in the roundabout), where evian is actually cheaper than tea or any other drinks, where fries and windows are french, where cafes are actually really cafes, where the old scooters are really cool…

And to my wonderful husband, thank you for brining me to paris, it was beautiful and of course romantic! we had FRENCH fries in france, we had FRENCH onion soup in france, we had the best crepes, but most of all, thank you for making my dream to get to see Roland Garros come true, i get to see Federer and Nadal play right infront of my eyes, and not to mention the rest! thank you thank you thank you!! we’ll go again next year eh?! ………boleh?