Handling Holland.. (and now aidan too!)

I was cooking in the kitchen (masak nasi) with the intention to cook fried rice, and my phone rang… i ran to the room to answer it, it was k.na! we talked and talked and talked, about me, about her, about mr. matrix (that photo reminds me of that film). then, bau hangit! it was my rice in the kitchen. i’ve been doing really well lately, cooking rice without using the rice cooker, until tonight!! the whole house bau hangit! malunya. i even heard one of the neighbours said to herself while walking up the stairs, "sapa masak hangit nih". i wanted to put my head out the grill and said "saya! sorryyyyy" , but i did not, i shell let her keep on guessing! my god!! cakap ngan k.na sampai hangus nasi! hahaha. anyway, it was really good talking to her, after so long! we’ll meet up soon k?

i did not know there are you people out there who read what i write!

i began to think while doing it the second time now. i was pealing and chopping the onions, garlic, lemon grass, beans, chilli padi etc etc. when you’re in a relationship, for so long, you tend to get exhausted. mentally tired and sometimes there isnt anymore excitement. no more looking forward to going out, no more meaningful holding hands, no more looking at each other in the eyes. we will then begin to take each other for granted. once you’ve reached that stage, you’re in big trouble! you’ve pretty much burnt out! how do we overcome it? take time off? go on a break? get someone else? chuck the problem aside? or simply address the issue? you will not get to solve the problem instantly. believe me. issues of trust will arise… issues of whether it will/wont happen again… and plenty others.

no matter how you choose to solve this, act rationally! you really gotta think way ahead, and what you want for the future. careful. what you want sometimes might not be the best. like i said it before, never ignore the signs.

at one point of time i said to myself, if only i could turn back the time… i would want to erase my past. well, certain parts of it (to those who knows me very well, will surely know which past i’m refering to) but to change it into something positive, at least i know there are different kinds of people out there, and it helps me to be more aware, careful and know how to handle such people with maturity. never act on impulse. take time to calm yourself down before raising your voice to that someone. think whether it’s worth to argue or fight (i’m working on this myself). if not for my past, i wouldnt have gone to langkawi for the first time, tagging along someone else’s honeymoon (hahahah!). if not for my past, i wouldnt have moved to kl. if not for my past, i wouldnt have seen the world. if not for my past, i wouldnt have met new interesting people. if not for my past, i wouldnt have met the man of my dreams, the man who has taught me the real meaning of love. thus, i’ve gotta be thankful of my past. it has shaped me to what i am today. there are certain things that i’m not proud of, yes, i must admit, i’m still trying to change. and change is never easy. you can never achieve it in a short space of time. if you’re lucky, you have your loved ones and friends to help you out. if you’re not so lucky, you gotta pull it yourself and be really strong. most of us girls would think, that you wont be able to get anyone else if you let that person go, you’re wrong. you gotta help yourself first in order to help both of you in the relationship.  there ARE others. its just a matter of time. God has made plans for each of us. patience is the key.

My last visit to jb brought me back to my past. an issue came up, more of a piece of paper posted to my family members to which they managed to keep it away from me for almost 2 years! shocking. really shocking. i shall not elaborate but lets just say i was really hurt and shocked of the contents. why would somebody create such nasty remarks? jealousy? not satisfied? i just dont understand why there are people in this world who finds pleasure in hurting other people. i just dont.

I had to be strong for myself and stronger for other members of my family. my mum spoke such beautiful words, kakak too. and most important, he said almost everything i needed to hear. i now know how it feels to be loved, really loved, regardless. i now know that there are men our there who mean what they say and they can actually stand up for what they really believe in. i know there are good men out there. sometimes he comes with a ‘difficult’ package, sometimes they come in a ’slightly easier package’, some with no package?.. hmmm.. ada ke? nobodys perfect, yes, i am aware of that but to create tension, jealousy, mengapi-api kan both families, is just not right. segala amalan kita di dunia akan di bawa ke akhirat. like they say, what goes round comes around. and as lenny said it, with her penang slang, and her nyaring voice tengah marah, she said it beautifully "dont worry kak zaza, what goes round comes around, and goes another round and round and round" . so, biaq pi! let them be. janji we dont do to them. why should we bring ourselves down to their level? never hope and pray for anything bad.

I thank him for having such strength in him and believing in me. for teaching, guiding me and making me a wiser person.

Lunch with Khaizul and Ez at cinabeng (as they call it), was, as always, such a pleasure. to be having lunch and being with these three amazing people is exactly what i’ve been seeking for when i first moved here. the conversation was always, encouraging, inspiring, and when leaving, you feel you’ve learnt something out of these people (not to mention their jokes!). you can actually feel the close bond between them. i am so happy and thankful he has such friends. they are very rare. very rare indeed.

We met our ‘celebrity’ friend faiz and his friend at hartamas after work yesterday. it was really nice, as always, to see him again. i kept teasing him on the whole ‘mencari cinta‘ thing and faiz, as i know him, as cool as ever, answered all my sakats, perli, kutuk as calm and as normal as ever! it was a good exposure for him, i’m sure. i’m so proud he did the right thing i shall look out on the monorail nanti (really man, they should have interviewed me!!!) he’s off to bali for a yoga retreat with.. hmm.. a bunch of friends (?). its good seeing him having fun, enjoying life and making friends! it was really good seeing him again and i hope to see my dear faiz once he’s back.

We then went off to 1Utama. with a mission - for our second round of learning more, scouting, comparing before we decide on the final one! we were there for more than 4 hours, we knew where we wanted to go. we’ve learnt so much since our last visit, well, its actually hardy who has learnt a lot. i let him indulge himself in all the technicalities, complicated numbers and alphabets. he’s good!!

Service is VERY important. we felt really good with 2 of the shops there. i felt, as a customer, that i was important, valuable and served. both managers have charming personalities, we felt very comfortable with them, we were serious, but we could still joke with them, and they layan-ed everything we threw at them!

It came down to lazare, D, VS2 WG and G VS1 Plat. we now, when looking at them, looked at their description first, the c’s, and then only we turned the tag to look at the price. turned to the other side, and i was worried! telan air liur! it was preassure as we had to decide on it that day itself as the lazare’s were on special promotion, only for a day!!!! and at that time it was almost 10pm.

I was more into the crown and the width of the band. he was more into the gradings. he looked up and turned at me and said with his most gracious, sweetest voice "do you like it?" i almost cried. it was that tone of voice and that look on his face. that was the most precious moment in my life.

Awa had been a great help, as always, providing me all the options and giving me feedback. no one knows more than awa! hehe.. i so miss you!!

I had a complete day, alhamdulillah. Am i the luckiest or what?!

Last saturday hardy asked me whether i’d like to accompany him to sg buloh to see one of the houses build for his project with habitat for humanity. of course i’d follow!

And so we went to kg. melayu seri kundang. we were greeted by siva, habitat of humanity’s representitive and one pakcik whose house was right infront of the newly build house. it looks good.. i’d say all the foundation was up, looks solid and spacious. a 3 bedroom single storey house.

Opposite the new house, there stood an old, very very runned down, and as we malay say it ‘usang‘ house. it broke my heart just to look at the house from outside. a widower and 6 children and grandchildren live in the house. me and hardy went in. torn carpet, no proper drainage, old table and chairs probably given to them, they used cloths as their curtain, just matresses, no beds, the condition was just so so poor. we were told by one of her sons that the mother would catch a lift from other villagers to forests or other kampungs to get sayur. tears came flowing, i cried quietly. hardy’s eyes were red and i’m sure he was crying inside.

hardy then discussed with siva the possibilities on finishing both houses before raya. they had a serious talk. to which siva said, it is possible, once the budget’s ready and all the proper documents are submitted, it IS possible to get it done before raya. the only set back is that habitat’s finding difficulties in getting volunteers. they get ISKL students to help sometimes. the villagers helped. just not enough volunteers. thus, very slow progress.

I was touched by the pakcik. he’s not that fit himself but he still helps to run the show. the whole family helps, his daughters, sons all helped during the weekend. he and his wife welcomed the volunteers, made them welcomed. served them drinks and even prepare breakfast for them. he’s even willing to give one of his houses next to his as a temporary place where the family could put up when the houses are build.

After a couple of hours there, we left them, kampung seri kundang. I voiced to hardy and said we should help. Insyaallah. we will now allocate our time.

I’m on the MAKNA list whereby i pay RM30 a month to help them help cancer patients. i have faith and trust in them that the money would be channeled properly to needy. Its good to donate money, but you dont see where the money goes to, or you dont know what your money is used for. but when you help, you get to see all your effort.

I remembered, there was a time when me and my family was down. we had no money, really. then one of dad’s old friend came over to the house and told mak and ayah of his condition, business was down, he needed to support his wife and kids. we had very little, very little indeed for us but hardly half way of his story, dad handed him rm50 and said "i wish i had more to give, but i’ll pray for us". mak went upstairs and took a portion of my first salary given to her and gave him some. it touched my heart so deeply and has affected me greatly since. there are many things i’m proud of my parents, this is definitely one of them.

They then had a little talk with me. "jangan ingat kita aja yang susah, ada lagi ramai orang yang lagi susah dari kita, remember that. whatever we have, its good to share. jangan lokek. insyaallah tuhan akan balas kita lebih dari itu. kalau Dia tak balas mak ngan ayah yang bagi dia duit, maybe dia akan balas kat adik ke, kat your children ke, it might take place in many forms. you can never know. maybe tuhan balas dengan jauhkan kita dari sakit ke, kita tak tahu. but the biggest ganjarannya ialah di akhirat nanti. ingat! selalu tolong sedaya yang mampu". we had very very little then. i prayed like i’ve never prayed before. worked hard, we all worked hard, alhamdulillah. we had a very meaningful raya last year

I’ve seen worst than the house in kg. melayu seri kundang. when i was small, mak and ayah helped this elderly lady and her family at kangkar. they brought us there to make us realise what we have and make us thankful. i remembered mak’s shoes kena hanyut. banjir at that time. balik barefoot! the old lady’s still well, alhamdulillah. so grateful and thankful, comes to our house every raya! there are a lot of them who needs our help.

I encourge everyone to do their bit for charity. I was taught at GAP while i was working there back in uni days, one of their slogans was - every difference makes a difference. therefore even ten sen a day might save a life or help to build a better life for the poor. or laying down a brick to help build a house for them is a difference!!

I’m so not satisfied with the recent issue of APs. to me, its like meng-aya kan orang orang yang dah kaya! maybe i’m wrong, but this is just my opiniton. it should be shared amongst the othe bumis. i’m sure there are other bumis who’d satisfy the requiements too. and the recent proton issue, my heart’s with t.mahaleel. me, mak and ayah, geram! but i suppose that’s politics? i still believe many people look up to t.mahaleel. i respect and love him and and think this is just way too unfair. i suppose its better to be remembered for what he has done, rather than to be remembered for what he did not receive, a golden handshake for example (?)

Have a heart!

I’m so thankful to have met the most amazing guy, who has such a good heart, a huge heart, who has touched so many people’s lives. I’m extremely proud of him, what he’s doing, what he has done to others, and what he’ll do. ever so thankful to have met a guy with values like his, and to be in his life. i love you very much sayang.

…Courtesy of The Bride To Be!

We wanted to head off to Kopitiam Kim at Pelangi that sunday evening after our lunch, but one was too sleepy, didnt have the heart to wake him up, and the other one… was.. was just too slow to get ready and mandi! hahaha! Since he havent been to danga bay, we went there, on a sunday!!! fortunately we managed to get a parking lot very near to the shalalalala place (its rezeki!). waited to for the bride to be, near the unta and after a few phone calls of ‘i’m stuck in the jammmm!’ and ‘where are yous’. there she was, next to the unta!

We walked to see the place, much was done since my last visit there with lenny and yoyo. and as we were walking, there was a tram coming towards us and she stoped the driver like nobody’s watching! "berenti berenti, jap japppp". we got on the tram and i, of course, being my first tram ride in danga, was all excited but i couldnt share it with her. had to control, or she’d be embarassed!! kena jaga reputation dia jugak! so i then turned to hardy and and shared my emotions! i’m surprised she knows everyone. but i’m more surprised everyone knows her! the pak guards, the waiters, the waitreses, abang at the boat, pakcik cleaner, everyone! everyone who was wearing danga uniform, who works for danga. she is trully a DYMMP!!

We went into one of the international restaurants. they had asian, chinese, italian. we picked the italian. had pizza. a good one! so good, reminds me of oxford days and pino’s pizza. there, i received a beautiful card with gold initials A and F. we teased her on the initials, AF, and asked ourselves who are we going to AFundi!

We shared stories, laughter and both she and hardy cant stop sakat-ing each other. i enjoyed watching them. amik gambar punyalah banyak. it got scanned by us and most of them had to be rejected! too bad chai was down with fever and couldnt join us.

In less than 3 weeks, she’s getting married. i hope and pray auntie ruby, uncle munajat, aeron, chai and the whole family will be in the best of health. i’m sure it will be a beautiful wedding for they’ve put so much effort into it and so much love added onto it. i’m excited and i’m sure she must be too.

At this point of time my dear, you need to relax. Insyaallah everything will run smoothly. there will be bumps along the way, lupa ni, lupa tu, but that’s only natural k? try not to stress yourself with work this next few weeks. delegate them. lets have fun! this is suppose to be the best time, planning and making your day a special one. enjoy every moment of it. me and mum promise we’ll do everything we can to help out. i cant wait

Thanks for the rm1 tram ride! we enjoyed it ;))

Aeron and Chai, you might not realise that you’ve brought laughter into our lives, you’ve managed to bring our spirits up, you, your family have filled me and my family. i love you both and wish you all the happiness in the world! Congratulations!! xoxox

**everyone should go to danga bay when in jb! try their international restaurants! impressive!! fairly good pricing too!!

And they have finally met! we arrived slightly late for tea. everyone waited for us. food was ready on the table. there were kuihs, mee, fruits..

we greeted and hugged each other. he handed over the "buah tangan" he had bought earlier. they were all Tlong’s favourite. anything with durian is Tlong’s favourite! i havent seen both Tbah and Tlong for quite a long time! Tlong cried.. she whispered in my ears while hugging me and said, "alhamdulillah, Tlong suka sangat, syukur". Tbah was cool,  and as expected, Tbah did all the questioning first. Tlong was too shy i suppose. all of us had tea. and it went well. he was ever so pleasing. adaptable and confident. i had all the confidence in him and i wasnt worried at all. he must have been worried!!!

we then had lunch the next day at mutiara hotel. they had this ‘longest buffett’ that sunday. from masakan melayu, chinese, italian… there were so much food!we arrived slightly late, as we both got up late and had a late breakfast. he had to sit opposite Tlong and next to Tbah. imagine that!!!! and yet again he scored!!! Tlong cant stop smiling and Tbah cant stop yakking!! and everytime before he gets up to get more food, he’d ask whether they’d want anything, which Tlong felt was so thoughtful of him.

the thing with hardy is, he’s not faking it. bukan buat-buat. he IS like that. he’s such a giver and ever so thoughtful. it was so easy with him. i dont have to show or teach or warn him of anything. he knows how to behave infront of orang tua. something i’ve always wanted. someone who knows how to respect orang tua, confident, have such pleasing attitude and adaptable wherever and with whoever. i’m so proud of him.

i then broke the news. what they have been waiting for. and at this point of time, all i can say is syukur alhamdulillah. insyaallah, we’re working towards it :))

i wished the 3 hour journey back home last weekend would have been a more cheerful one. it still bugs me.. occationally. we stopped for a ‘house-warming’. i guess i was just too sensitive to such remark/greet. i’m not used to a ‘different’ type of greeting. it was somewhat ‘harsh’ to me, felt odd and not welcomed infront of others. it just caught me by surprise and didnt expect it at all. nonetheless i managed to control myself till we get to the car prior pushing off, and then i broke down. i addressed the issue. why i cried, its not anger, its just sad to be greeted that way especially after meeting each other for the first time. its fine to joke around, i dont mind it at all. but there’s a difference in the tone, the way she said it and that made it ‘different’. i’ve encountered worst. sometimes they think its for the fun of it, putting other people down. i’m sure there’s a limit that one can take in a jokingly manner.

i think too much. maybe she said that as a joke? maybe that’s how she gets close to someone? i try to change anything negative to positive but this time, i just cant seem to (or maybe refuse to? i dont know). i will keep quiet when i’m angry or hurt. not so much of merajuk but really tring to digest everything while thinking. and i will talk about it and be ok when the time comes. and normally its not long. i came to a conclusion, thats her. thats how she is. cant change her. she’s happy like that. and at least i know how shes like, how she maybe jokes.

mum always tells me..

there’s so many people that make this world. you cant have everything going your way. you cant control what comes out from people’s mouth. you cant control what they feel. they have the right to voice out anything and its how you take it that makes you a person. and how do you take it? calmly, rationally, and always "sangka baik". we have to be very very careful and control what comes out from out mouths. its going to be a doa. never say or wish bad things to happen to someone. never say unpleasant things to someone.

and i will remember this, and many more of what she has taught me for as long as i live.

i then started thinking, am i too sensitive? i think i am (to a certain point). kakak always said "adik ni kena ajar kasar sikit". maybe its time to learn to be kasar sikit. maybe its time to learn how to take more kasar remarks. ok.. i’m ready, bring it on!!! haha

i was brought up by a very ‘proper’ family, extended family. a ’strict’ grandmother. a very ‘careful’ dad and a very strong mum and i have a sister who has seen most of the world.

a few example of ‘proper’ - always jalan tunduk when walking infront of anybody. doesnt matter who, doesnt matter if they’re younger than you. my great uncle, he’s 85, when he walks infront of me, he’d bongkok down and say "tok ngah tumpang lalu ya". when you’re on a dining table, never start first, always let the others take their food first and you last. when you want to pass something and there are people next to you, never pass infront of them, always behind them.

a few example of ’strict’ - when you didnt hear what the other person say, never go "huh?" or we will get a stinging cubit from her! you must see to everyone’s needs. punctual! or else! keep to your words. cakap tak boleh kuat from the other person. she has certain principles and would stick to it. despite being a strict grandma, confused and fickle at times too (ehehhe), i love her very much. people can say anything about her but i think she’s the most giving person i know.

‘careful’ - sometimes i feel dad is too careful. he’s very careful with me. back in school i’ve always wanted to get on a school bus. i never did. he sends me to school and fetches me. if he cant make it, then (pakcik saad or pak cik elias) our driver back then will come get me. bus? nope. taxi? nope. i was deprived!!!!! hahaha! sometimes its not good being too careful. we have to take risks in life. careful is good but too careful? i’m so much like him. but being the most influential person in my life, being the most knowledgable person, i love my dad to bits.

a mother, so strong - she has gone tru a lot, really. my inspiration, my strength, my best friend. i’m so proud of her and wish everyone would know her, the person that she is. the most strongest, kindest, most caring, most liberal, considerate, lovable, positive, high spirited, faithful, loyal, persistant, a person who would go all out to help somebody, most amazing and beautiful person i know.

i need a dose of fifi once in a while as she helps me be ‘prepared’. she’s so blunt and will tell you whatever she feels right infront of you. with her, she’s street wise, she’s been tru think and thin, she’s confident. there’s just so many things in her which i feel i should have. i think if fifi were to be the one there, at the housewarming, it wouldnt be an issue. thus, why i should be more like her!!

maybe with proper and careful its not enough. i gotta be stronger and blunt and strict kot??? as i said once before in my profile, describing myself, i dont have hatred, i’ve come to terms to those who have hurt me. life is short. there’s much to love than hate.

despite what had happened, i thank hardy for teaching me and keeping me ’sane’ at times, bring me back to earth, make me realise its not worth our time thinking too much about it. i will try not to be overly sensitive and just take it as it is. thank you for being patient with me.

next up : our trip to jb, our tram ride, mission accomplished and he scored with tb and tl!

i was at one of the mamak at sri damansara near midnight with hardy having our late dinner. abang mamak came to our table, which was outside by the roadside. maggi goreng for me, the normal maggi for hardy. i cant help but to notice there was this girl standing across us, waiting, anticipating, and perhaps hoping. a few mins later i saw her behind a table, putting all the remaining sate in a plastic bag. putting all the ketupat, timun and bawang in a plastic container. finishing off for the night and tomorrow’s gonna be another day. at that moment i thought, how much could she be earning a night.. i then asked hardy. i looked around and saw no sate sticks on the tables. at that instant i wish i have loads of money, to help these people. at least to get her a proper stall, not just the normal table by the road to sell her sate. or some money for her to buy her bahan bahan to sell. i should have ordered some. i saw her washing the plates from a pail, honest to God (probably me being all emotional that night) i wanted to cry. she was alone. hardy replied, that he is very proud of her. she works hard, she gets rezeki yang halal, and probably if she has the extra money, she wouldnt be working this hard. to which i replied, tu dah mengesyak!!! thats an assumption!!

but it is true, coz i’ve been there. when business are slow, you really work your ass, trying to get everything alltogether, find opportunities, you tend to be more hardworking. but when its smooth sailing, you tend to forget, and be somewhat lazy! true? its not that you dont work, you work, but you work less, its not that you dont try, you try but you try less…

hardy suggested if i’m rich, he will manage my finances! hahaha. insyaAllah yea.. and next time when we want to eat sate, will definitely go there, regardless whether it’s good or not!

we were terribly sick. so so terribly sick viral fever.. and it was BAD. i started feeling all sick when we were at the range on tuesday. it all started with a sore throat. the next morning, i felt really off but i pushed myself to get out of bed and act normal. my sayang felt it too but still went to the office, half day. it got worst, and so we went to the doctors. we got the ‘whole package’ as the doctor said. my temp was 37.5 and hardy’s was 37. our whole body was aching, from our eyes to our toes. both were flat and i got mum and dad worried (especially mum). and by night, our temp probably soared higher! it was the longest night ever! yes everyone, never ever forget to take your vitamins.. and fruits. it sucks being sick and not being able to do anything.

i’ve always looked at the other side of things, most of the time. i’ve always turn the negative to positive (sometimes i shouldnt but i still do it). but when we were sick, i didnt. he did! i felt really sorry for being down myself and not strong enough to take care of him. it was dreadful and i felt horrible! what he said was, isnt it cute that we both are sick? more pathethic really! hahaha. and he said something else that really caught me by surprise (refer to his blog ;P).

there’s a lot of things i’ve learnt during that period.  never ever ignore your supplement (ever), never let your mum worry (i feel guilty… she wishes she could fly!), when both are down, someone’s gotta be the stronger one (i love him for that). now mak’s waiting for us to come back to give us habatus-sauda (black seed oil from macca). claims it can cure sickness. it’s like minyak hitam they use in cars and  tastes really odd. but you know what they say, yang pahit tu la ubat.. i should be more like kakak, who practises yoga, who eat only organic food, who knows probably almost everything on sickness and remedies, and who looks younger than me! (just received her paris photos.. damn!) *sigh*

despite being sick himself, hardy still takes care of me. how he gives to ppl is just trully beyond! thank you sooo much! we’re ok now, minus the cough and slight headaches… we’re finishing up the antibiotics (euigh)

the news on the london bombing left us in shock. i used to take the underground to and from edgware road station. i know people who use the underground at those stations where it happened. they use it everyday to work and i just remembered kate used to take bus no 30 to marble arch.

seeing those images saddens me. my cousin called just to ask whether fifi’s ok, alhamdulillah, she’s safe in warwick. she was down in london the previous week for wimbledon, now she’s back at home. my k.na’s in london. i then called mak wan to ask whether she’s ok, if she has heard any news from her. alhamdulillah, k.na’s alright too. in fact, she’s coming back tomorrow. nurul, i think she uses the edgware road station regularly, i hope you’re ok. abbey, i havent heard from her. called and text but still no reply. i hope she’s not affected by all these and doing great! i hope everyone that i know in london, is safe and sound.

i shall not get into the politics of all these (i shall let hardy do that part) but my thoughts and prayers are with all those who have lost and suffered and i pray that the world would be a safer place.